Premarital Counseling Online is devoted to encouraging couples to include premarital education in their marriage plans.

The dream of a fullfilling marriage is possible and a 50:50 chance of divorce is not a necessity.

HOWEVER, EQUIPING for SUCCESS is a NECESSITY.

Six hours of solid preparation can make the difference.

Definition

Premarital counseling in the process of preparing unmarried couples with the knowledge,skills and attitudes that will be conducive to an enduring and fulfilling relationship.

It has been labeled in various ways like “marriage prep”, “pre-marriage preparation” and “premarital education”. The current practice can be divided into three distinct categories: education, coaching and counseling.

Value and Utilization

In a 2008 phone survey of 2,000 households, it was discovered that couples who had some type of premarital preparation, were 30% less likely to be divorced than the general population.

But only 20% of couples getting married today will engage in any type of premarital education or coaching.

Three Types of Premarital Preparation

Education

Education focuses on knowledge that will be helpful for every couple entering into marriage.

The last thirty years have seen a dramatic increase in what in known about how marital relationships work. The most common factors that enhance or destroy marriages have been identified and constitute a body of knowledge that every couple should know going into marriage.

This would be comparable to knowing how to own and operate a car. Just as there is a body of knowledge about driving safely and maintaining a car over time, there is a body of knowledge about how to grow an enduring and satisfying marriage.

This body of knowledge is easily accessible and makes practical sense once explained. But it is not intuitive. It has to be learned and applied in the context of individual relationships. So there is a process of acquiring this knowledge. Just as there is driver’ education, there is also marriage education.

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Coaching

A second term used to describe this process is “coaching”.

This term highlights a slightly different aspect of premarital preparation. It elicits the imagery of sports in which a skilled trainer works with an athlete to fully develop his/her physical potential.

Dr. Gary Rosberg gives a succinct description of this concept.

So it is in premarital education, the focus is on the wonderful potential the couple dreams of for their future life together. Marriage has the potential to be one of the most satisfying relationships we experience. And realizing this potential may profit from coaching to develop specific skills and attitudes that result in a fulfilling and enduring marriage.

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Counseling

The third term, “counseling” has come to suggest the presence of problems.

Some couples will experience issues or barriers that the process of education and coaching do not resolve. These will require the skill of a trained therapist to both identify and help couples to resolve.

Each of these activities can make a positive contribution to preparing a couple for marriage and the particular amount of each will be dictated by the individual needs of each pair.

Now for Step One

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I have been deeply impressed with Dr. Gary Rosberg’s approach to resolving conflict in marriage.  This is a process he has used in over 12,000 hours of marriage counseling.  I’ve personally found his approach extremely helpful in my relationships with my wife and children, and I think it would contribute to the strength of any marriage.  So, I’m publishing this segment of the Marriage 101 Online Course at no charge.

It is my hope that it will help viewers to build stronger unions and enjoy the freedom from the “open loops” of unresolved hurts.

It consist of five lessons which include a downloadable worksheet, a five minute video segment and three seed questions couples can use as discussion starters.  I’ll include other resources as I develop them.

You can do be a favor by “Liking” the YouTube videos if you think they are helpful.  That will help others find these tools if they are searching for marriage resources.

Here are the Session Titles and Links:

• Tip#1 – Know What Kills a Marriage
• Tip#2 – Know How Conflict Begins and How to Manage It”
• Tip#3 – Know How to Handle Hurt and Anger
• Tip#4 – Prepare for Resolution - Start with You

Sign Me Up for “Resolve Conflict in Marriage” Free E-Course

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Step One – Assessment

The best place to begin is with an objective assessment.

There are three assessment tools that are widely used by counselors and considered very helpful.

These are:

• FOCCUS – Facilitating Open Couple Communication, Understanding & Study
• PREPARE/ENRICH – Premarital Inventory
• RELATE – Relationship Evaluation Questionnaire

All three are useful in confirming a couple’s strengths and identifing potential areas that may require growth and strengthening.

The advantage of an assessment is that it can quickly and objectively identify those areas that need attention. This saves the couple from having to decide on what areas to address (and potentially criticize in each other) and also saves the counselor/facilitator time in determing the focus of his/her counseling .

For couples beginning with self-study, it may be hard for them to decide if an area of conflict is merely a normal difference or will become a long term marriage-threatening issue. Comparing their personalities, family backgrounds and values with thousands of other couples provides an objective measure that allows the pair to quickly decide how to focus their energies.

The costs of these tools can run anywhere form $30 to $150 depending on how much human interpretation is involved.

For example, the Couple Check-up by Prepare/Enrich ($30 per couple) is an online assessment that gives the couple an extensive report of their results immediately upon completion. The results are downloadable and can be shared with clergy/counselor for help on specific issues.

Now for Step 2

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The next logical step would be education. There is a body knowledge which is foundational to any relationship and can be accessed through reading, home-study courses, group classes or online training. See the annotated bibliography for my recommendations.

The cost of this material ranges from $0 to $400. Some of the best recognized research is available at your public library for free (Look for works by Gottman).

Audio and video curriculum cost anywhere from $15 (www.smartmarriage.com) to $150 (http://www.themarriagegroup.com/) depending on the amount and production quality of the product.

And seminars/workshops seem to run between $75 (http://www.prepformarriage.com/shop/online-marriage-classes/online-premarital-counseling-prep-for-marriage?cPath=75) and $420 (http://www.marriageprep101.com/) depending on delivery mode and location.

Course content represents both religious and non-religious perspectives.<

Some examples are:

• Marriage 101 – Back to the Basics – http://www.marriage101online.com Excellent course from Protestant perspective
• The Marriage Group – http://www.themarriagegroup.com/ – Excellent course from a Catholic perspective
• The Couple’s Workshop – http://www.gottman.com/54740/Couples-Workshops.html – The Gottman’s began research on marriage thirty years ago. This is a research based content without reference to a particular religious perspective.

Group classes are also available through local churches and synagogues as well as community based programs. For example, the State of Texas offers a network of classes through the Twogether in Texas initiative.

Texas is one of seven states who recognize the social and economic cost of divorce and are taking policy initiatives to increase marital stability. Texas offers a $60 discount on marriage license for any couple completing a state-approved marriage preparation class.

Now for Step Three

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Now, let’s suppose you and your fiancée have done an assessment and identified several areas you want to address in your relationship. You have gone through an educational resource but still feel there some potential issues.

This may be the time to spend some time with your clergyman or a professional counselor. If you are in the early stages of your relationship, you will probably be seeking coaching to master certain skills like conflict resolution or active listening.

This activity focuses on the development of specific skills useful in marriage. Skills like active listening and creative problem solving should be a part of the educational component in Step Two. But a personal coach can be an effective way of mastering these skills as a couple.

Now for Step Four

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The American Psychological Association list nine psychological “tasks” that healthy partners have completed. Any one of these can be a challenge for specific individuals and a couple may profit from the help of a trained therapist. http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/marriage.aspx

Take a look at these to become aware of the kinds of issues that may require professional help.

Additional Resources

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For the educational component, there are a number of resources that a couple can use to accomplish this component. These include books, audios, video curriculum, internet curriculum. I have listed some of these resources in the annotated bibliography at the end of this article.

Group classes are another popular mode of delivery for this information. Religious institutions offer classes on a regular basis. There is a relatively new development in which some states also offer classes on a community basis. Legislators have recognized the social cost of divorce and the research data is in that verifies the positive impact of marriage preparation. So they are beginning to experiment with policies to encourage premarital education. For example, Texas is one of seven states that offers a discount on the marriage liscense for couples completing a six hour state approved marital preparation course. The Twogether in Texas program is still in the early stages but seeks to provide a state-wide system of regular classes for couples.

All three types of preparation are also delivered by clergy and licensed therapists, psychologists and psychiatrists.

How Long

The research suggests that a minimum of six hours instruction is needed to realize the benefit of 30% reduction in risk of divorce.

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